This past year my mental health has been affected in a way I have never experienced before. It’s hard for me to find enjoyment in the things I used to love to do. I have to put forth a much greater effort to accomplish tasks. I have had to essentially force myself to do a lot of things. Last week at work, I even had to take a day for personal time off (PTO) because I needed a mental health day to recharge. I’ve never taken a PTO day for this type of thing but I felt I needed it to find my balance, which I did, thankfully.
Despite the struggles I have encountered in life, I have always been able to find the “brighter side” of things. I would do my best to be positive and find out what I was able to control in a situation. In high school, it meant embracing my individuality and using my drive to get ahead. In college, it meant managing my finances and finding leadership opportunities without letting my financial circumstances be a disadvantage to me. In New York, it meant using my network to find opportunities to work with various designers for New York Fashion Week. This year the “brighter side” has certainly become more challenging to find.
This year I’ve felt a huge attack towards my confidence which previously, I honestly never had problems with.. I use my confidence to aid my ambition which then results in accomplishing my goals. Now, I have had this constant voice telling me “I’m not good enough” and “everything I am pursuing is pointless.”
People who know me know that, since high school, I have found joy in having a jam-packed schedule. It was always the way I functioned best. In 2018, I have had multiple urges to drop it all and isolate myself from anything and everything. I didn’t want to care about anything I was passionate about and had worked so hard to build– with Happily Pink as one of the many examples.
I have had multiple days where I didn’t even want to get out of bed or leave my house. I just wanted to be alone. This year also marks the most breakdowns I have ever had. Each year I would have maybe one breakdown, but I have now had more than 10. It has gotten to the point where I feel like I need to talk to my doctor. I am tired of feeling upset and having a lack of energy. It is so irregular and new to me and I want things to go back to how I used to be.
While I am having my ups and downs, I’m trying so hard to focus on the good. I try to encourage people to be positive instead of negative because I feel the energy of others around you can be detrimental to your health. I experienced such a positive energy from the Commit Campaign. The campaign is focused on breaking the stigma surrounding mental health and wants to create awareness for suicide prevention programs.
For the past two years I have participated in their fashion show and have found the courage to speak up because my struggles may help someone realize they’re not alone.
I am working on solutions and figuring out how to get things turned around. My husband is definitely my biggest anchor and he is worried to see me change so drastically in less than a year. I have spoken to friends who are diagnosed with mental health illnesses and they have encouraged me to acknowledge something is wrong and to seek out help. After all, we can only find solutions when we recognize there may not be a brighter side to something because it needs to be changed.
When I started my blog, the number one goal was to encourage others to seek out what makes them happiest in life. I need to make sure I am following that goal myself. I will keep you posted.